Decisions! ¡Decisiones! Decisioni!

Can I just start off by saying...
Being an adult is HARD!
I mean, I've been pretty independent for a few years now as far as finances, school, work, and all that good stuff is concerned for a while now, but with graduation being right around the corner, I feel like I am still completely unprepared for what the "real world" will have in store for me. I seriously feel like Asher Roth when it comes to college. I love it. I don't wan't to leave.It's kind of a fantasy world, being a young adult in college. I enjoy school. It is something I am good at, and I know how to excel. There is never a shortage of social events and fun times to be had or friends to call up. Unless I become completely irresponsible, I can continue working my little job and be in a financially desirable position. But all that is changing shortly, and I have no idea what to expect next. I know that once I leave my comfort zone of student housing, I won't be able to wiz on through life paying a little over $300 a month for rent and have a lovely little condo with my private little room and bathroom. That's not reality. I know that I won't be able to pay my bills off of working a couple graveyards a week and tutoring here and there, all the while still having plenty of money to play with. That's just not reality. I always made fun of the people who were long past graduation and still living in student housing, but reality is, this is a great deal, that allows people to still enjoy the luxuries they so desire. I am looking into my options for my next move, and I've got to say, Provo still has some crazy appeal once we start counting dollar signs.
Beyond the money aspect of things, deciding what I want to do is a whole different dilemma. Do I want to work for a while and then go to grad school? Do I want to jump right into a grad program? Do I want to travel for a while? There's always trying for a mission again. I tried to turn in my mission papers about a year ago, but due to medical issues, the doctor said no way. Maybe join the military? That might be a terrible idea. I think my mom would cry enough to have to build an ark again. Maybe try to get a really cool internship in DC before going to grad school? I have no idea what I want to do. I am really big into having plans. Knowing that I don't have a plan for myself come December scares me. Where will I be? What will I be doing? I have no idea. Part of me just wants to find a cool job close to Provo and work for a little while, build some credibility before trying for a really cool job, all the while still enjoying being young and all that the "college scene" that is here in Provo has to offer me before I really have to grow up. I mean, the world truly is a blank canvas for me right now. There is NOTHING holding me back from pursuing any avenue I want to. I will be done with school, my housing contract will be done with in December, I don't have a man I'm tied up with, I don't have a job that I can see myself wanting to climb the ladder in. Really, there is nothing holding me back from doing whatever my little heart desires. The hard part right now is deciding what it is that I desire.

I was talking with my mom the other night, and I had a mini meltdown. Very mini. I think it was mostly due to a severe lack of sleep that I was receiving from working 5 nights of graveyards in a row, but it was not cute. I was crying for so many reasons. 1. I don't know yet how I feel about my new ward. It seems pretty cliquey, and I was just starting to hang out with people in my old ward outside of Sundays and FHE activities, and now I am in a new ward that I am still unsure about. 2. I feel like I will end up being a "Provo failure" as stated by a riend of mine. This just means that I will end up leaving Provo single. Great. We all know that once you leave Provo, you might as well kiss any chance of marriage good-bye (kidding. sorta.). This would not be a big deal for a person who isn't LDS, but to us Mormons, marriage is everything. 3. Due to the fact that a bunch of my friends moved this summer for their new husbands, not only was I sad that they are gone, but it reinforced the singlehood thing. This is so dumb. I'm 21. By the world's standards, I am way young. Thank you, Happy Valley for making me feel like an old maid. 4. I just miss my family. I hate that Meghan is doing all these great things in high school, and I cannot be there to see her in all her glory. I hate that I can't be there to read Emily's favorite books to her before bed. i hate that I can't just sit on the porch and talk with my dad about everything. I hate that I can't wrap my arms around my mom when I'm having a hard day. I miss them. 5. School is hard this semester. I have 20 credits, and it's not easy. I am doing just fine, but it is only what, three weeks in? 6. I miss some of my hobbies. I miss painting. I miss playing violin with people. I miss golf. I miss belly dancing. I miss reading things that are not textbooks. 7. Just reitterating the whole no plan thing. That makes me stressed, which leads to an eventual cry session.
Anyway, I just feel like I have a lot of decisions to make, and no time to make them. I know the simple answer is to pray for guidance, and I 'm doing that, but I'm waiting. I have some unanswered prayers, but I know I'll get the guidance I need.